where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
