just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize