shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
