Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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