1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize