You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
