I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize