i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
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