one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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