I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Text me some of your sweat
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
