just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
