We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize