a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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