im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
