I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
