Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
