My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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