Your face is a jimmy john
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
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