The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
