I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
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