Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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