Where is the hickey?
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
