who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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