cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I am spending my child support on dildos
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
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