i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize
