If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
