he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
be right there i have to get my cape
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
