things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Randomize
