Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
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