i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize