I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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