i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
