Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Randomize
