You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
