my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
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