I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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