Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
