last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
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