It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Randomize
