Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
