wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Randomize
