I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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