Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
