Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
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