if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
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