I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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