Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I lost the right to judge tonight
i am craving dick and cupcakes
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
