Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
the more pounds shes got the more points. bonus points awarded for specialty moves used. aka broken cowboy, tobogan, dutch oven, or brazilian fake out.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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