so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Randomize
