Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Randomize
