We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
