biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
