Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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