Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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