I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
where does the pee come out of this thing
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
