An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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