I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
