How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
