If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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