she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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