I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Randomize
